Jokes

Wife to her Accountant husband: 

what is inflation?

Husband: 

Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are

48-40-48. 

Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before. 

This is INFLATION .😜

Economics is not that difficult if we have the right examples.

Interviewer: What is Recession? 

Candidate: When "Wine & Women" get replaced by "Water & Wife", that critical phase of life is called Recession!!😜

Accountancy fact:

What is the difference between Liability & Asset?

A drunk friend is liability.

But,

A drunk Girlfriend is an Asset.

😜😜😜😜😜

An Economist beautifully explained two reasons for having 2 wives.

A- Monopoly should be broken.

B- Competition improves the quality of service.

If u have 1 wife, She fights with u!

If u have 2 wives, They will fight for you!!

----------------------------

When you are in love,

Wonders happen.

But once you get married,

You wonder, what happened.

----------------------------

Philosophy of marriage :

At the beginning,

every wife treats her husband as GOD..

Later, somehow don't know why..

alphabets get reversed..

----------------------------

Secret formula for married couples...

"Love One Another"

And if it doesn't work, bring the last word in the middle.!!!!

----------------------------

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

An elderly couple was watching TV when a Priest  came on air to pray for the sick.

The Priest said, "For those of you who are sick, I  want to pray with you so that you can be cured of your sickness. Place your right  hand on the part of your body that is suffering from disorder, and raise your left hand."

The husband placed his right hand on his privates, raised his left hand, and closed his eyes.

His wife saw what he did, and slowly whispered,

 "Honey, this prayer is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!"😜😛🙏🍺

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. 

At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

 

Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." 

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. 

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" 

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me." 

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?" 

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"  

God said, "Yes." 

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention too: 

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!" 

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." 

God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some key words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

A teacher came to school with an iPhone 8, faced her students and said "whoever can answer this question correctly will win the phone. She asked them: how many people Jesus fed with fish  and bread?"  Little Jonny answerd first and said 5000....she gave him the phone. The teacher then said "now ask me a question so I can have a chance to win the phone back". Jonny thought long and hard, then said:  "Name the 5000 people Jesus fed!"

Fully Nude British Lady gets into taxi, Indian Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..

British Lady asks,

"Haven't u ever seen a naked woman before?"

Indian Driver: It's not that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me.. 

MORAL:

Be Indian!

Concentrate on your Business, no matter what happens.. 

Be Indian, be  professional..!!

The great "Pun"dits say....

• The person who invented the door knock......won the No-bell prize!

• I couldn't work out how to fasten my seat belt....... Then it clicked!

• Thieves had broken into my house n stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels n deodorant....... Dirty Fellows!

• I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory....... All I did was take a day off..

• To the guy who invented the Zero...... Thanks for nothing!

• Singing in the shower is all fun n games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

• Enough with the cripple jokes already, I just can't stand them..

• Want to hear a construction joke? Err,  I'm working on it!

• A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period....... It marks the end of his sentence! 😅

• I have a few theories about unemployed people....... But never mind, none of them work.

• 2 antennae met on a roof n got married....... The wedding was ok, but the reception was incredible!

• Where do TVs go on vacation? To remote islands, of course!

• Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed..

• A small boy swallowed some coins n was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet'.

• There was once a cross-eyed teacher ......she just couldn't control her pupils 🙄.

• I am selling my guitar  ......no strings attached!!

• I usually take steps to avoid elevators 😬.

Enjoy the pun n fun of the English language!!

Shared:

New words for communicating on social media 🤓

*Errorist* : Someone who repeatedly makes mistakes.

*Askhole* : A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you tell them.

*Ambitchous* : Striving to be more of a bitch than the average bitch.

*Dudevorce* : When two male best friends officially end their friendship over a lame disagreement, usually concerning a girl.

*Nonversation* : A completely worthless conversation, wherein nothing is illuminated, explained or otherwise elaborated upon. Typically occurs at parties, bars or other events .

*Destinesia* : When you get to where you were intending to go, you forget why you were going there in the first place. Not to be confused with being stoned.

*Unkeyboardinated* : Lacking physical or mental keyboard coordination; unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.

*Cellfish*: Those who continue to talk on their cell phone, oblivious to the effect on others around them.

*Textpectation* :The anticipation one feels when waiting for a response to a text message.

*Carcolepsy*:The inability to stay awake and alert when in a car, or any other thing that moves, such as trains, planes, and buses.

*Hiberdating* : Someone who ignores all their other friends when they are dating a boyfriend/girlfriend.

*Deja poop* : The feeling that the same shit keeps happening

8 Alcoholic Drinks That Might Secretly Keep You Healthy*

Dr. Sushma Jaiswal

M.Sc - Dietician / Nutritionist, B.Sc Home Science

According to the preconceived notion, drinking alcohol is harmful to the body. It is partly true. Drinking alcohol is harmful to the body, but only in huge proportions. In fact, despite popular belief, drinking alcohol is also good for health.

Here are 8 alcohols that are secretly keeping you healthy:

*Beer*: The most common alcoholic drink, beer is loaded with antioxidants called phenols. This protects you against suffering from heart diseases. Beer also lowers the risk of acquiring high blood pressure and helps maintaining it.

*Red Wine*: Apart from being a classy drink and having the same benefits of beer, the additional brownie points of red wine is that it helps in increasing life span by generating longevity genes. It also increases good cholesterol and reduces bad cholesterol in the body.

*Ethanol*: Ethanol reduces the risk of wear and tear in the brain neurons. Any damage to the neurons may lead to Alzheimer's or dementia. Hence ethanol helps to prevent any harm to the brain cells.

*Vodka*: Vodka helps in clearing bad breath as the high alcohol content kills all bad odour bacteria present. It also helps to reduce stress and disinfect wound. It improves the health of the skin and stimulates hair growth. Toothache is also another issue which Vodka can work wonders on.

*Whisky*: Whisky helps to numb throat pain when it is gargled in a mixture with warm water. It stimulates weight loss. Whisky also helps in preventing dementia. Other benefits of this drink that it prevents diabetes and cancer. It also helps to keep the heart healthy, increases the level of good cholesterol and terminates blood clots. Whiskey is believed to be one of the healthiest drinks among the alcoholic beverages.

*Tonic*: The combination of gin and tonic is very useful while treating malarial infection as it contains quinine; which is used for the treatment of malaria.

*Brandy*: Brandy is one alcoholic drink which is full of healthy antioxidants. It has anti ageing properties; hence is very good for the skin. Brandy also reduces the level of bad cholesterol in the body. It also helps in the treatment of bladder and ovarian cancer as well as sore throats and cough.

*Rum*: Rum increases life longevity. It is very beneficial for the heart. It also functions as a blood thinner and helps in increasing the level of good cholesterol. Having this wonderful drink occasionally also guards you against osteoporosis and common cold...

*CHEERS* 🍻🍷🍸🍺

 Circulate this to all your groups for whom you care....😊😊😊

Arrested for laughing...!!

This is from an actual trial in the UK.

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. 

She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more.

She filed a court case on him. In the court the man's defence was:-

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement, which read "Coming Soon- The unknown boon"..

I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement, 

which read:- "William's stick did the trick"..

Then I could not control myself any longer, when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read:- "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident"..

The case was dismissed.

The judge fell off his chair laughing !😬😬

Good read:

● At 20 years "foreign country" and "hometown" is the same. (No matter where you are, you can always adapt) 

● At 30 years, "night time" and "daytime" is the same. (A few days of no sleep, does not matter) 

● At 40 years, "highly educated" and  "lowly educated" is the same. (Lowly educated persons, may even earn more money) 

● At 50 years, "beauty" and "ugly" is the same. (No matter how pretty you are, at this age, wrinkles, dark spots, etc. start to appear.) 

● At 60 years, "high official" and "low official" are the same. (After retirement, their status are the same)

● At 70 years, "big house" and "small house" is the same. (Joints degeneration,  cannot walk, only require a little space .)

● At 80 years, "have money" and "no money" is the same. (Even when you spend money, you won't be able to spend much) 

● At 90 years old, being "man" and "woman" is the same...you are partially or totally dependent on others.

● At 100 years, "Sleeping" and "waking up" is the same. (After you wake up, you still don't know what to do) 

Take life easy, there are no mysteries to be solved. 

In the long run, we'll all be the same 🙏🙏

Check ur presence of mind.............Take d test.

relax, clear your mind and begin, what's the 1st answer that comes to ur mind???...........

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer:

"bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said bread, go to Question 2

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer:

Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question.

Your brain is over -stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself by reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3...

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a

green house made from?

Answer:

Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these?? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane crashes from 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into East and West Germany) Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, "no

man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors!!! If you said ANYTHING else, you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from Mumbai to Pune. In Mumbai , 17 people get on, in Pune , 16 get off. Name the driver.

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

😊

Try it seriously dont cheat its amazing

A MUST TRY!!!!!!!          ALZHEIMERS'  EYE TEST

(I love this part.. It's absolutely amazing!)   

Count every  "  F  " in the following text:

FINISHED  FILES ARE THE RE

SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI

FIC STUDY COMBINED  WITH

THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...  

(SEE  BELOW)

HOW MANY ? 

  

3....4....

WRONG,  THERE ARE  6  --  no joke.

READ IT AGAIN !

Really, go Back and Try to find the  6 F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind is  further down.

The brain cannot  process "OF".

Incredible  or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts  all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three  is normal, four is quite rare. 

Send this to your  friends. 

It will drive them crazy!!:

Good isnt it.. 👍

Her First Date

 

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it.

 

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!  Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

 

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

 

She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before.

 

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful, until they were headed home late that afternoon.

 

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte!!

 

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

 

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

 

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

 

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

 

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.

 

It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem,due to the extreme cold.

 

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long?' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

 

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

 

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

 

So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

 

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants  down'. Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed  off.'

 

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

 

If you laughed at this pass it on.

 

Remember: If  you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart, then you are just a sour old fart!